Pac-Man:
Stares at Ayen
Ayen:
Stares at Pac-Man
Pac-Man:
Continues to stare at Ayen
Ayen:
Gets out a cereal box and
feeds it to Pac-Man Here
you go, buddy.
Pac-Man:
Devours the cereal because
he's Pac-Man
Ayen:
Pets Pac-Man
That's a good boy. Walks
over to get the mail and comes back barely dodging a barrel that
drops onto the ground HEY!
Donkey Kong: Jumps
around on the roof of Ayen's house throwing barrels
Ayen:
What
did I tell you about throwing barrels!?
Donkey
Kong: Beats his chest
Ayen:
You
can't do that! And for the love of God let that woman down!
Donkey
Kong: Pushes Lady off
the roof causing her to land flat on her face
Pac-Man:
Looks at Ayen
Waka! Waka!
Ayen:
I
heard it as soon as I said it. Enters
his house
Good morning, Ayen!
Ayen:
Good
morning, Q*bert. Why do you sound like a Minion?
Q*bert:
Voice
acting is hard!
Ayen:
You're
telling me. Puts
away the mail and sits down at his computer and starts browsing
through comments
Internet
User #58: Pixels
is the worst movie ever!
Internet
User #82: Game
Over for Adam Sander's career!
Internet
User #112: This
is worse than an Uwe Boll film!
Internet
User #223: I
knew this movie was going to be bad, but saw it anyway, and IT'S
REALLY BAD GUYS!
Ayen:
Wow.
Leans
back in his chair and looks down at Q*bert How
can something about lovable video game characters from the nineteen
eighties be so terrible?
Q*bert:
The
same way all the other movies based off loveable video game characters were
terrible?
Ayen:
Touche.
Well, I got nothing better to do. Let's go to the movies!
The
two heads back outside and approaches Ayen's car.
Ayen:
Hey,
guys, we're going to see Pixels. Do you want to come?
Pixels:
Screams
at the top of his lungs and runs away
Donkey
Kong: Jumps
off the roof and into the backyard
Mario:
Runs
right into a goomba on purpose and dies
Ayen:
I
guess not.
The
two enter the car. Ayen adjusts his rear view mirror and that's when
he sees...
Ayen:
AHHHHH!
Holds hand onto his
chest and turns in his seat to look at Alma Alma,
you aren't even a video game character based off the eighties. It
makes no sense to have you here.
Child
Alma: Glares
darkly at Ayen
Ayen:
But
you can come if you want. Starts
up the car
Q*bert:
Uh,
do you know how to drive?
Ayen:
Of
course I do. I played Rush.
Q*bert:
Eyes widen in fear
Couple
hours later at the movie theater.
Ayen:
Looks on in silence
Huh.
Q*bert:
Huh?
Ayen:
Well,
it's not a great movie, but I'm not seeing it as the abomination of
2015 everyone is advertising it to be. It has its problems, but
there are some highlights, too.
Q*bert:
Like
what?
I'm not going to sit here and try to convince you that Pixels is a
great movie, or anything of the sort, but worst movie of 2015?
Sorry, I'm not seeing it. If you don't like Adam Sandler or Kevin
James, fine. Chances are you aren't going to like this movie, but
that doesn't make it deserving of the amount of hate its garnered.
This is Pixels.
Time to show I'm a candidate for Fast and Furious 8!
Adam Sandler plays Sam Brenner, a video game
expert/nerd down on his luck ever since losing a video game
tournament twenty years ago. I'm serious. He contributes being stuck
in a dead end job he doesn't like because he loss a video game
tournament. It's not like he came in last place, he was the runner
up, and the winner of the tournament IS IN PRISON! Your life isn't
over because you loss at a video game!
I like that the movie plays up Sam's skills to quickly
memorize and adapt to the various patterns found in video games
explaining why he's so good. That's the way you have to do it, even
in current video games, though the movie doesn't seem to agree on
that last point. What I don't like is that the movie acts like he
can't do anything with those skills. The guy could go on and make
independent video games based off the arcade classics and sell it on
Steam for crying out loud!
Apart from that, he's average. There are some genuine
funny moments with him on screen and he isn't trying to be funny
every other take.
I don't have a funny caption, I think the picture speaks
for itself.
Next up on our list is President Will Cooper, played by
Kevin James. The only character who has a success story right at the
start. One of the nerds got to grow up and become President. How he
managed to secure enough votes I'll never know, but if George W. Bush
can be elected twice, I'll believe anything. He also got to marry a
super hot wife who drops out of the film as soon as quickly as she's
introduced!
I'm
not going to lie, if you're familiar with King of Queens then you
know what his performance is. Will Cooper is basically Doug
Heffernan in
a suit. I'm surprised they didn't get Leah Remini to play his wife.
I guess that would be TOO obvious. That being said, I enjoyed his
performance. I get why people wouldn't find him funny, but he
doesn't ruin the movie for me, and if we're going to go on a rampage
about actors who just play the same character over and over again,
we'll be here all day.
Ayen:
So
far, so average. Sticks
hand in popcorn
Adult
Alma: Also
sticks hand in popcorn
Ayen:
Feels
the hand and freaks out removing his own from the popcorn bag
Aww yis! You're about to get the dink!
Peter
Dinklage,
the only part where people was willing to give this movie some benefit
of doubt, plays the hotshot video game champion, Eddie Plant, who's
so big for his britches he comes up with his own nickname.
Unfortunately, the character doesn't get that much screen time and
he's introduced halfway through the movie.
Eddie is found out to be a cheat after the Pac-Man
stage, and just when you think maybe we'll get some character
development, Eddie Plant has a change of heart off screen. You don't
get to see him realize that his selfish, cheating ways just put the
whole planet in danger, or anything like that. It's waved off with
some dialog and we go back to shooting old video game characters.
This is the sweetest thing ever!
Here
we have our resident conspiracy theorist stereotype, Ludlow
Lamonsoff, who
still lives a t home with his mother having yelling contests with
her. Really? We're ripping off The Big Bang Theory, now? But don't
worry, he also has another endearing quality of obsessing over a
female video game character well into his adult life. And that's it,
basically. Come on, guys, we don't go THAT crazy over women who
don't even exist.
Ayen:
Turns to see Samus Aran
sitting next to him and grins Hi.
Samus:
…
His best contribution to the movie is when Pac-Man is
chasing him around and the others just leave him for dead on the
street. Should have left him for dead in the casting studio. Oh, and
I guess the character is supposed to be bi or something? There are
some gay moments from him that are just play for laughs, and they're
more on the creeper side than anything. Keep an eye on the sex
offenders list, you may find him in there some day.
I need scissors! 61!
Violet, while being a Colonel, mother, and assisting in
the creation of the weapons they use to battle the aliens, is more
or less just there to be Adam Sandler's love interest. The entire
love subplot is forced and doesn't need to be there. You're a movie
about aliens taking the form of eighties video game characters!
Focus on that!
Their romance is as cliché as you can possibly get.
Boy meet girl, boy and girl don't get along, boy and girl fight, boy
and girl start to bond, and they become a couple. The end. That's it.
If I wanted to see a movie about a guy getting the lady, I'll go see
a romantic comedy.
In her defense, at least she ACTUALLY has a personality
and isn't meant as just eye-candy. I don't hate her. Lady Lisa is
even worse when it comes to females who are just there as the love
interest. She has no personality, no dialog, and is literally only
there to get with Gad's character. Why? What's the point? Where's
the humor? And for the love of God why is she the only video game
character who isn't pixelated? All the other characters are,
including ones based off humans, so why does she look like an actual
human being? I'll tell you why, because the movie needed eye-candy.
That's the only reason she's there.
Child Alma: Is on her feet dancing around the
theater
Ayen: Can you please pick an age and
stick with it!
Okay, we got the characters out of the way. Now, let's
get to the reason anyone wanted to see this movie in the first
place.
YEAH! A giant fucking Pac-Man eating shit! This is
badass!
When we finally, FINALLY get to the actual video game
portion of the movie? That when it gets good. They have Centipede
fighting the army, and the army doing terribly because they never
played the game before, and the nerds have to save the day. The
Centipede then breaks off into the street attacking people where he
comes across an old lady in the middle of a workout, and actually
stops to enjoy the video. That was a genuine funny moment.
Pac-Man.
What can I even say about Pac-Man? That was easily the best part of
the whole movie. You have them running around in cars emulating the
ghosts from the game, Pac-Man gets a power pellet to become strong
enough to eat them giving us our first major “Oh shit” moment,
the creator Tōru
Iwatani cameos and tries to talk to him, it's just a lot of fun to
watch, and I think they might have made a mistake not having that be
the grand finale of the movie. Because it was easily the most
enjoyable.
At the end everything goes to hell in a hand basket with characters
from all sorts of games attacking Earth. Mario is running around,
the Tetris blocks are collapsing buildings, the ducks from Duck Hunt
are flying around (wait a minute they weren't an arcade game), these
little ninjas are chasing people, and then finally Donkey Kong
himself appears throwing barrels and trying to set Adam Sandler's on
fire! The movie might have done better if he actually succeeded in
killing Adam Sander's character, but it's still a blast!
Had the movie focused more on these things, than the lame romance
plot, and other plot threads that they just up and drop anyway, I think it would have been a whole lot better, because when
you get right down to it? The plot is an excuse to shoot at video
game characters. Though I will admit a lot of the special effects
here are ripped right from the original short.
Bender:
Ahem!
Ayen:
Turns around in his
seat to see Bender What?
Bender:
Don't
you think you're forgetting something?
Ayen:
Sigh
I haven't seen the Futurama episode people claim this movie ripped
off, and I don't care either way. In the infamous words of Eric
Carmen, “Everything's been done, Butters.”
Bender:
H-haven't
seen the episode!? Stands
up
You'll skip on that, but you'll sit here and watch this poison? Why
I'd outta–!
Ayen:
Alma.
Child
Alma: Melts
Bender with her mind
Bender:
Is melting Eat
my melting liquids! Dies
Q*bert:
It's
really a good episode, Ayen, you should watch it.
Ayen:
I
think it's about time we wrapped this up.
Kong Kong ain't got nothing on me!
At the end of the day, this movie has a lot of problems
and I can see why people didn't like it, but I don't subscribe to
the idea that it's the worst movie to ever come out. Next to things
like Jurassic World, Terminator, and Ant-Man, yeah I kind of see it,
however that's Least Favorite movie material at best.
If you're looking for a movie that recreates old video
game characters and has fun with it, I think you may enjoy this
movie. Already, I'm seeing that a lot of kids and their parents are
getting some fun out of it, so it's not a complete waste of cinema.
This film is very much suffering from what I'm going to
call “Reverse Psychology Syndrome.” People are going so far out
of their way to talk about how terrible this movie is, that it's
going to make people, like me, want to see the movie to see if it's
really as bad as everyone claims and come out of it going, “It's
really not.” Going back to the ever familiar, “Any press is good
press.”
Despite that, I don't see it making back what it owes.
Look at its competition, Ant-Man, Mission Impossible, Fantastic
Four, it doesn't stand a chance. Best it can hope for now is to get
a cult following. Who knows? In a few years we may forget about it
entirely. If nothing else, the movie made me want to play Donkey
Kong. Have a good week.
Adam:
Enters with a mop
Thank you for choosing Phoenix Theater, have a nice day.
Ayen:
You
too.
The
group leaves the theater and then stops.
Ayen:
Was
that–? Nah!
Try
it
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