Spoony: Rises
up out of the grass with a pair of binoculars
Nostalgia
Critic: Spoony, what's your
status?
Spoony:
Is looking at a plane with
cargo inside Uhh, the
movie has boarded the plane.
Nostalgia
Critic: What?! You were
supposed to keep the movie OFF the plane! That was the whole point!
Spoony:
Well, we're going to Plan B.
More like Plan F. We're really not good at our jobs.
Nostalgia
Critic: Where's Ayen?
Spoony:
I don't know.
Nostalgia
Critic: You don't know?!
Spoony:
Will you stop yelling in my
ear?
Nostalgia
Critic: YELLING IS ALL I KNOW
HOW TO DO!
Linkara:
Don't worry, Critic, we'll get
those movies off that plane!
Nostalgia
Critic: Linkara? What are you
doing there? You're supposed to be in Chicago.
Linkara:
I am in Chicago, but I finished
early and Spoony needed my help.
Spoony:
I didn't need help, I needed
assistance. It's not the same thing.
Nostalgia
Critic/Linkara: Yes it is!
Linkara:
Sending the layout of the plane
now!
Spoony:
Got it!
Nostalgia
Critic: The movie's still on
the plane.
Spoony:
Yes, we know, the movie is
still on the plane!
Nostalgia
Critic: No, you don't
understand. If that plane takes off Transformers 5 WILL premiere in
movie theaters all across the globe! I don't know if the world can
survive another one. Can you kill the engine?
Spoony:
No.
Nostalgia
Critic: Electrical?
Spoony:
No.
Ayen:
Can you open the door?
Nostalgia
Critic: Ayen? Where are you?
Ayen:
I'm outside of the plane.
Spoony, can you open the door?
Spoony:
Yeah, that seems doable.
Linkara: Who's Ayen, again?
Ayen:
Jumps onto the side of the
plane and hangs on Now,
Spoony!
Spoony:
Just hold on! Is
completing a quick-time-event to get the door open
The
plane runs down the runway and starts to lift off into the air.
Ayen:
Is hanging on for dear life
Nostalgia
Critic: Spoony, you get that
door open!
Spoony:
Working on it! Succeeds
in opening the door!
Back
of the plane opens up.
Ayen:
The OTHER door!
Spoony:
Right, sorry!
Nostalgia
Critic: Goddammit, Spoony! If
you don't get that door open then so help me I'll – I'll recite
Highlander 2 lines in your ear.
Spoony:
You wouldn't.
Nostalgia
Critic: We're looking at the
most successful and laziest set of movies the world has ever known.
I don't have anything to lose.
Spoony:
Completes the QTE quicker
and gets the right door open How's
that?
Ayen:
Slams right into the inner
plane wall and passes out
Spoony:
Ayen? Ayen?
“Michael
Bay's Transformers 5 is the highest grossing film in history!” –
The Latest Entertainment
“Michael Bay is now the richest man alive!” –
Variety
“Transformers 5 is the worst of the Transformers
movies to date, but director Michael Bay promises that “Transformers
6 will be even more detestable!” – ET
“Internet critics sent to jail after failed heist on
Michael Bay's private jet.” – Deadline
Cut
to: The critics sitting in prison
Ayen:
So... has
anyone here seen the new Mission Impossible movie?
Mission
Impossible – Rogue Nation is the fifth movie in the Mission
Impossible franchise distributed by Paramount
Pictures and produced by three separate production companies
including Skynet Skydance Productions. Tom Cruise
reprises his role as Ethan Hunt to take down the Syndicate, an
international criminal consortium. For this mission he'll need comic
relief, sexual tension, and Hawkeye.
Road Rash
3D!
Ethan Hunt
is an IMF Agent who goes rogue after the IMF is shut down by the CIA
and begins chasing Hunt down while Hunt tries to track down the
Syndicate, but more specifically, the leader who shot a woman he
knew for a couple of minutes after bonding over classical music.
There isn't
much in ways of character development as far as I can see. I'm
assuming the character had more depth that's been explored in the
previous movies, so that gives this one the advantage to jump right
into the action. I never seen the older movies, so I can't say. The
guy likes classical, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and is
very good at what he does. Say what you will about Tom Cruise, but
the man can act when he wants to.
You know the
difference between you and me? I make this look good.
Meet Benji
Dunn, another IMF Agent who works with Ethan and is a laugh out loud
riot. Benji supports Ethan throughout the movie in tracking down the
Syndicate, and proves to be a loyal friend to the end. He even turns
into a hostage near the climax of the movie and gets strapped to a
bomb. The poor guy. Wait, a guy rescuing a guy? INCONCIVENABLE!
Benji is an
expert hacker and was only promoted to an IMF Agent as of Mission
Impossible 4. Anything you need help hacking into, he can do it.
Just don't ask him to open any doors. I don't know if he got into
any skirmishes in the last two movies, but he sort of does fight with
a guy in a way that only Simon Pegg can.
ELBOW DROP!
Ilsa Faust
is a spy for British Intelligence tasked with infiltrating the
Syndicate, and is doing just fine until Ethan comes to foil her at
every single turn. But not on purpose. Ilsa, not wanting to see the
man tortured, opts to helps him escape from the Syndicate at the risk
of losing trust with the Syndicate's leader putting her in one
dangerous spot after another.
They try to
play the whole “whose side is she on” motif, but it's obvious
from the beginning that she's going to choose Ethan's team in the
end. She's seen kicking just as much ass as the men, and isn't
played only for sex appeal. You get a shot of her legs and ass,
that's about it. Tame compared to other things I've seen.
Initiate
badass mode.
William
Brandt made his debut in the last Mission Impossible and returns in
this one as both an ally to Ethan and speaking on behalf of the IMF
to the Supreme Court. He briefly works for the CIA after the IMF is
shut down and works directly with Luther to find Ethan before the
CIA.
Now, in the case of
William, they actually do manage to make you believe he's betraying
Ethan after observing Ethan and thinking he's going crazy over the
Syndicate case, and if there's one thing Tom Cruise can play very
well, it's crazy. Only for it all to be a hoax in order to convince
the leader of the CIA that the Syndicate was real by having the
British government confess to it. Is it just me or are the British
always playing bad guys?
Black
Linkara.
Meet the
only other character besides Ethan who's been around since the
beginning, Luther Stickell. You need to find somebody? He's
your guy. Luther is pushed to the background like William when you
compare him to the first three characters I listed, but the scenes he
is in are still good.
He has some pretty good
banter going on with William that's pretty fun to watch. Apart from
that, there isn't much to be said. Luther is a likeable enough guy
and has a “don't fuck with me” vibe about him. I think it's the
cowboy hat. Growing up with shows like Walker Texas Ranger has
taught me never to fuck with a man who wears a cowboy hat.
This guy...
The second
original character for MI 5 is Alan Hunley, Director of the CIA. He's
kind of a dick. Hunley is responsible for shutting down the IMF and
leads a manhunt for Ethan through most of the movie. It isn't until
around the third act that he's finally shown the truth and becomes
less of a dick.
Not that
you can entirely blame him at first since there's no evidence that
the Syndicate exists, but despite that his character development can
be summed up in going from a dick to less of a dick. Oh, and he
becomes the new IMF Secretory. I thought that might have been Ilsa at
first, but I guess the film wanted to swerve the audience.
I'm going to
expose myself to you by killing this stranger because... why not?
Solomon
Lane is the leader of the
Syndicate, a project meant to give agents the ability to perform
missions without oversight and have the funds to do so. The project
was hijacked by Lane who chose to go after those in charge of “the
system” instead, but in order to do that he needs the data that
has all the money on it.
Sean
Harris does an excellent job of making this character despicable and
you're impatiently waiting for him to get his comeuppance. When it
finally does happen though, it's kind of anticlimactic. I was
expecting a big one on one fight scene between Lane and Hunt, and the
most we get is Lane firing some bullets at him and being trapped
inside a box taken out by knockout gas like he did to Hunt in the
first act. That was clever in a “What's goes around, comes around”
way, but kind of a letdown. I guess they're leaving it open for him
to return in Mission Impossible 6.
This
is what happens when you're late for your flight.
The
action and special effects in the movie is awesome. The people hoping
to see that classic spy movie feel from the first movie are going to
be left disappointed (I don't think anyone was expecting it at this
rate, though), but for a summer action movie it's pretty great.
There's plenty of stuff going on to keep your attention and
characters you genuinely root for. The plane scene was just as
awesome as the trailer suggested, though I'm gutted it was just the
opening scene.
Ethan
Hunt's team is successful, Ilsa rides off into the sunset, and
everything is set up nicely for the sequel they're already in talks
of making. While there are some predictable moments, Rogue Nation is
an enjoyable movie overall and as someone who has never seen a single
Mission Impossible movie, I was able to follow along with the plot
just fine, so it's not mandatory to binge the other movies going in.
Though that probably wouldn't be a bad thing if you're interested in
the series.
Get
it
Ayen:
So,
what did you think?
Nostalgia
Critic: You
do know that part of being a comic, slash, critic is reviewing things
you hate, right? I review bad movies.
Linkara:
I
review bad comic books.
Spoony:
And
I ban people from live streams.
Nostalgia
Critic: Is
that all you do now?
Spoony:
I
still talk about bad movies occasionally.
Ayen:
I
review plenty of things I hate. I reviewed Pixels just this past
week.
Linkara:
Yeah,
but you gave it the same rating as Ant-Man.
Nostalgia
Critic/Spoony: What!?
Nostalgia
Critic: Get
him!
The
three jump up from the floor and rush Ayen all at once. Repeatedly
punching him in the face and kicking him on the ground as smoke
rises over them in a cartoon fashion, and the scene fades to black
as Ayen cries out in pain.
FIN
Disclaimer:
Ayen's Reviews are not associated with Channel Awesome, Nostalgia Critic,
Linkara, or The Spoony Experiment. The characters used in these
sketches are for parody uses only.
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